Yesterday was a very bad, horrible, no good day...

Have you ever had one of those days that was just completely horrible... I didn't sleep well, we left late for church, forgot my checkbook for my tithe and had to go back after it, it was raining really hard and my umbrella literally broke in half, the air conditioning didn't work in the sanctuary, was almost late for work, my computer didn't want to cooperate so it took me a really long time to get started working once I got there, I had to work so I missed my family celebrating Father's Day with my grandfather at Mike Linnig's... I had a migraine... Not to mention my emotions were completely out of whack and I cried ALL day... 

Take a breath... yes, I had to too!  Sometimes life just isn't fair, or even nice to you and it's okay to not be okay sometimes.  Yesterday, I was NOT okay...Today I'm not okay... I'm struggling with something that has affected me more than I care to admit.  I like to be tough and not vulnerable to being hurt, but it didn't work out that way this time and I have to learn how to deal with that.  They say that with time, all hurts heal, but forgiveness... wow, that's the hard part.  God forgives us and never looks back once we ask for it, but we aren't God and even if you get to the point to forgive, can you really forget and not look back?  I am praying for God's strength and for Him to be enough to get me through this, but I can't even ask Him to help me forgive yet.  I don't have it in me, I don't even want to ask it.  Writing this makes me feel guilty, I should want it but what I really want is for everything to be like it used to be.  But it's not, so I have to move toward acceptance of the things I can't control and let go and let God.  Granted I might be kicking and screaming and begging Him to fix it, but I have a feeling he isn't going to, that what I want isn't his best for me, Jeremiah 29:11 says that He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me...to give me a hope and a future... I am clinging to His word, and trying to trust him even though I do not understand what he has in store for me...



 

Modern Day Idols

I went to Southeast Christian's Summer Blast last night and had an amazing time.  I purchased my ticket for the event last week on a whim (or more like a nudge from God...) not knowing what the event was at all.  Thinking I could go be surrounded by other Christian women and get to worship my God among them was enough for me.  I went alone, not knowing anyone, hoping to make a new friend or two in my experience.  This is way out of my comfort zone, I am not one to just walk up and introduce myself and start talking...I know some of you that know me might be thinking, "Yeah, right!" but it terrifies me to put myself out there and possibly be rejected.  But in this instance, I was in God's house, and he had brought me there for a reason, so I really didn't have anything to lose.  I walked around through the many tables until a couple of ladies caught my attention and I asked if I could join them.  They said yes, and guess what?  One of them is a High School teacher right here in my little town!  Talk about a God-thing, he is so into the details!!  He puts us in front of people he wants us to meet, to either learn something from them or to help them through something, or to just give us a fresh face to enlarge our circle of Christian girls to hang out with.  Frankly, I don't know or really care which of those it is, I'm just excited to get to know my new friend! 

We started the night with some table talk, and the humor highlight of the evening was Kyle Idleman's description of what we have in our purses (he was trying to act like he didn't even know what his wife's lip gloss was...but have you seen his hair??? He knows about beauty products...he went on to "act" like he didn't even know how to hold a purse for her...but he seemed most comfortable with it just over his shoulder like we carry it...just kidding...all in fun, I love listening to him speak)  and how we don't realize that in today's time, we have idols... Not the Old Testament kind of idols where people made actual carved out pagan idols, but our idols are more based around what we spend our time on.  Do you work a lot to make sure you put your career first to get as far ahead as you can?  Do you put your personal outward appearance first, and spend way too much time making sure everything is perfect?  Do you sacrifice time with your family working extra hours to drive a fancy car?  Do you put your kids before God?  What in your life, do you do, that takes away time that you should be spending with the Lord?  He went on to say that while some things are "good" things, they can become idols if we don't keep our focus on the Lord...  It was a great, thought provoking talk and it really got me thinking that I need to spend some time in prayer to ask Him to show me what I need to get back into perspective so I can truly put Him first.  Our God is a jealous God and he wants to be first in our lives....Exodus 20:4-5 says "You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below.  You shall not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God..."  God created us, and knows every part of our story, what has passed and what is yet to come... He should rightfully be first in our lives, He knows us better than we know ourselves and we need to build that personal relationship with Him, and keep Him above all else!

As the evening progressed, God got ahold of me and moved me in a way I hadn't felt in a while and it almost brought me to my knees.  I was so overwhelmed by His presence and his love that I couldn't contain my tears.  The continuously rolled down my face throughout the testimonies that were shared and the praise music that we heard and sang, I could relate to each woman as she shared her story on her modern day idols, from worry and fear, to putting too much weight on what defined her as a woman (a career in this instance), ... to a definition of success that had nothing to do with being who God wanted her to be...  Each of these women have found their worth in the Lord, and have been able to cast away their idols and put Him first, how encouraging is that???  No matter what we are devoting our attention to, what we are using to define ourselves, God is always there, never forsaking us, just waiting for us to realize HE is why we are here, and HE is the one that needs to be first, not stuff, a job, a relationship, children, NOTHING defines our eternity other than our personal relationship with our Savior.  Then the worship music began and nothing speaks to me (other than God's Word) like music does, no matter what I've gone through, or how alone this world can feel, God always shows me He is enough, he loves me like no one can, he will protect me like no one can, he will provide for me and my children like no one can, he wants what is best for me like no one does....  When someone or maybe everyone in your life fails you, and people WILL disappoint you, God never will.  He will always be there to pick up the pieces, to catch every tear you cry, to hear every desire you have, to heal every hurt, to bring you joy in the midst of pain, to fill that place in your soul that only He can fill.  If you feel empty and alone, like there is something missing, it's Him...let Him have that rightful place in your heart!  Please don't try to fill that place with something earthly...He is the only one that can bring you true joy, peace and contentment!!

"But I trust in your unfailing love;
   my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
  for he has been good to me."
Psalm 14:5-6

God is Enough

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalms 37:4
"When we trust our lives to the unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read, with a grand ending!" Beth Moore 

Sometimes, more often than not, I sit in awe of our Lord.  He is All-Sufficient, He is my El Shaddai... He is enough, and when we turn to Him, we will never come away wanting... Never come away feeling unloved, unimportant, never feeling lonely...  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power (grace) may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, I am made strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10.  He is so capable of granting our hearts desires and He SO wants to do that for each and every one of us.  All we have to do is surrender our desires to Him and make His will prevalant in our daily lives.  And learn from the lessons He gives us, when we are broken and surrender to him, he will pour out his grace upon us.  He will always be enough, and grant us the desires of our hearts, we just have to be willing to wait on His perfect timing!  Yes, He tells me this all the time, it's a recurring theme...WHEN will I finally get it??? :)... And let Him write my story, with my grand ending, without me trying to interject my own path...trying to speed things along, which ends up being a huge detour....and brings me back to where I started??  Seriously, no more detours!

Not too long after my divorce, I started Beth Moore's Bible study, "Esther" with a small group of my favorite girls at my church.  Some would call it "irony" but I am sure it was "God's Timing"...  God knew exactly what I would be going through and exactly what I needed from His Word and who I needed to share the study with.  Ironically, (yeah, I know...funny, haha), the study itself had a lot to teach me about His timing..  So here I was, studying about God's timing, IN God's timing...exactly when I needed it most.  I love His attention to detail, His humor, His ability to know exactly what we need to hear, and when we need to hear it.  I adore my Lord!  I sometimes wonder what the heck I'm doing when I miss my quiet time.  We all go through stages of spiritual growth, and then maybe it will level out for a while, and we coast through life on spiritual auto-pilot, sometimes we even drift away from a personal relationship with God.  Thankfully,God knows when to draw us back and make us hungry for His Word...  I can recall several times over the last few years that my heart has just been plain "on fire" for God, and I can feel those embers being stirred again.  It's always so exciting when you start getting that hunger for deeper relationship with the Lord, you crave it, you can't get enough of it, and I'm praying that's what I'm heading for right now.  I miss those hours on end spent pouring over His word, and just being eaten up by what He has to show me, little treasures here and there, hints of what is to come, acceptance of what is not, courage to overcome what you think you can't handle, preparation for things we have no earthly idea that are headed our way.  Yesterday, I read the first chapter of "Not a Fan..." by Kyle Idleman and was inspired to dig deep back into the Word of God.  I do want to be a "completely. committed. follower." of Christ, not just a fan... 

And so begins a new journey in my life...can't wait to see where He takes me this time!

Times of Trial

We've all probably heard the phrase "When God closes the door on a chapter in your life, He always opens a window!"  This brings to mind my absolute favorite verse in the Bible, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and it goes on to say "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, " declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

When things get tough and we don't know why things are happening the way they are, we must put our full trust in His plan for us and know that His plan is perfect, and even though we may have not any idea what comes next, God knows!  Whether it is the loss of a loved one, a job loss, a failed marriage or other relationship, God will rescue us!  He is the only one that knows every detail of our future, and we have to remember to turn to him with prayer and constant petition!  The verse above says that when we call upon Him and pray to him, he willl listen!  Sometimes we tend to want to keep it to ourselves, we mull over it, overanalyze it, worry about it, lose sleep over it, and so on, because we think we can handle it or don't want to "bother" God with it...What is it in our inner being that stops us from turning to God FIRST, so we can have the peace and joy only turning to Him can provide?  Gods word says in Matthew 11:29-30 " Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I am an insomniac... I NEED rest, both physical and mental... Why is it so hard to give our burdens to the One who can handle them the best?  If you are like me, you give it to Him,... and take it back, give it and take it back...  Why can't we just lay it on the altar and leave it there?  He is so much more capable of handling our biggest fears and biggest disappointments than we are!!  He is sovreign, He is sufficient!  He will protect us, provide for us and unconditionally love us!

As Christians, we have God's protection and his direction.  We can trust him to never lead us down the wrong path and to know that when we mess up, he will always welcome us back with open arms. Yet even though we know his ways are right and completely trustworthy, we still try to do it our way, just because we think we know ourselves best.  I can always tell when I'm getting in my own way, and straying from the hedge of protection God gives me by the level of frustration I'm experiencing in my life.  God wants His absolute best for us, and just because a relationship or job is a good one, even a Godly one, doesn't always mean it's God's BEST for us.  I recently experienced this in an area of my life, and no matter how hard I wanted to hold on to it, it wasn't God's best for me.  Finally, you have to give in and leave it up to him....so I laid it on the altar for Him to deal with, because only He knows what will come of my life and I have to reach out and trust him completely, not just with the little, unimportant things, but with my entire future.  Maybe He will give it back for me to keep, maybe He will open the window a little further for the next chapter of my life... And I'm okay with that, either way.

And here it is again...  a quiet, gentle whisper that I hear so often...  "Amy... Be still, and know that I am God.." Or more completely, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath, it only leads to evil." Psalm 37:7-8 

So here I am, again, before the Lord, waiting, patiently!